the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
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[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
ACED my prostate exam!
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.