next time i open up to someone is during surgery
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Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
It’s a gift
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.