Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
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Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?