cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
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me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything