Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
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Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?