Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
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No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.