Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
You Might Also Like
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*