Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
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I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
i made a craigslist ad !
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Good morning
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”