Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
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me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
If you want my opinion ask my wife
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA