Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
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Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Waiting for the Charmin