The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
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Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps