A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
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Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes