Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
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Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
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Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.