Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
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[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
remember
only for emergencies
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.