Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
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Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
so this horse walks into a bar
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona