Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
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“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
nature’s most graceful animal
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
The honesty is refreshing
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.