I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
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Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
she has a point
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Genius idea!!
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.