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“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs