ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
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“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
i think we should see other cousins
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”