ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
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Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
me hooking up with my ex
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
Yup.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
I put the p in pants.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.