Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
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Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Animal poetry
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
New mindset, who dis?
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.