Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
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If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Baking is just science you can eat.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.