Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
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Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.