Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
You Might Also Like
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
What’s a Messi?
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
No Google it does not
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!