you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
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I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water