I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
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Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Note to self: I am a note
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
I’m having an out of money experience.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.