Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
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“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.