WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
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me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
My birthstone is kidney