Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
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4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.