The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
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me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.