If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
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Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.