I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
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interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share