I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
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Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework