Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
You Might Also Like
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”