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WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
wtf is a larm clock?
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
…
…
2015: Taco Emoji!
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Hitlers gonna hitl
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again