“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
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It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones