Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
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Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
couldn’t resist
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner