Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
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Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
how it started vs how it ended
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.