Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
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*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.