If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
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A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
That’s enough internet for the day
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.