if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
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I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood