My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
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Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Rooting for the overdog
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!