just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
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Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
i will avenge u mr van gogh