All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
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911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
When I pack too much for a short trip.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K