My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
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“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Yes my dude
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*