comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
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I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
With this onion ring, I thee fed
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie