Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
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Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.