Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
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*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Forever 21… pounds overweight
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.