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My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all