Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
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when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
I don’t get marriage
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Good dog. ❤️
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*